The Refining Day 2: Disappointment in God

Sir 2:1-11

My son, when you come to serve the LORD,
stand in justice and fear,
prepare yourself for trials.
Be sincere of heart and steadfast,
incline your ear and receive the word of understanding,
undisturbed in time of adversity.
Wait on God, with patience, cling to him, forsake him not;
thus will you be wise in all your ways.
Accept whatever befalls you,
when sorrowful, be steadfast,
and in crushing misfortune be patient;
For in fire gold and silver are tested,
and worthy people in the crucible of humiliation.
Trust God and God will help you;
trust in him, and he will direct your way;
keep his fear and grow old therein.

You who fear the LORD, wait for his mercy,
turn not away lest you fall.
You who fear the LORD, trust him,
and your reward will not be lost.
You who fear the LORD, hope for good things,
for lasting joy and mercy.
You who fear the LORD, love him,
and your hearts will be enlightened.
Study the generations long past and understand;
has anyone hoped in the LORD and been disappointed?
Has anyone persevered in his commandments and been forsaken?  
has anyone called upon him and been rebuffed?
Compassionate and merciful is the LORD;
he forgives sins, he saves in time of trouble
and he is a protector to all who seek him in truth.

As l listened to this reading in daily Mass a couple of days ago, I found myself becoming increasingly frustrated. “Has anyone hoped in the Lord and been disappointed? Um, yes! Me! I have been disappointed in he Lord. I have felt abandoned, betrayed, and unheard. I have thrown myself before God, desperate prayers escaping my lungs, only to seemingly fall lifeless before me. No answer from God. No signs. No results. No resounding voice from above or even a faint whisper within.

Of course, if I think back, I often see how by not answering a prayer, God was answering my prayer, just in a better way than I thought. And it took me months, even years at times, to see the work of God in my life and the fruits of my prayers play out before me.

For example, I desperately prayed to receive a job offer from a company the first semester of my senior year in university. Scoring a job before I had even finished first semester WITH a good salary? I couldn’t think of a better blessing from God that would certainly relieve my anxiety. I had gone through a rigorous interview process and made it to the last round. At the end of a particularly difficult day, I received a phone call: I had been rejected.

I remember returning to my seat in the library, tears streaming down my face, as waves of inadequacy, confusion, and anxiety rushed over me. I felt so angry with God for dangling this opportunity before me only to snatch it away.

Fast forward 6 months later: I had a powerful experience that led me to Chicago where I still live today. I could write a book about my year of ministry in the streets of Chicago.

Because I was led here, I met my best friend Megan, who I started a podcast with, Let’s Talk About It with Jacque and Megan, one of the greatest joys of my life, and I met a man I am very much in love with who shows me the love of Christ everyday. That only begins to list the blessings that flowed from that original job rejection.

I guess, what I am saying is…it’s okay to be angry with God. It’s okay to even feel disappointed. But bring that to God. Lay that before him.

And tuck this truth close to your heart: even in God’s “no,” he is leading you to a greater “yes.” Even in God’s silence, he is working for your good. I won’t pretend to understand, nor do I have the ability to explain God’s mysterious ways. But I know I worship a God who died a bloody death on a cross for me. And I know, in the end, he will not forsake me. He will not disappoint me.