The Refining Day 8: The Danger of Self-Rejection
Let’s talk about: Rejection. Even just the word itself carves a pit in my stomach. Rejection sinks its teeth into the soft, tender parts of our hearts, ripping open wounds and burrowing itself deeply within our insecurities, seemingly confirming that the worst things we believe about ourselves are true. Rejection so easily becomes self-rejection.
Henry Nouwen says, “I am constantly surprised at how quickly I give in to this temptation [of self-rejection]. As soon as someone accuses me or criticizes me, as soon as I am rejected, left alone, or abandoned, I find myself thinking: ‘Well, that proves once again that I am nobody.’ Instead of taking a critical look at the circumstances or trying to understand my own and others’ limitations, I tend to blame myself--not just for what I did, but for who I am. My dark side says: I am no good….I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, and abandoned.”
Have you ever told yourself that you deserve to be rejected? I know I have. A few years ago, I went on dates with a guy I really liked. I had never really dated before, and I was so excited that someone I liked FINALLY liked me back. The impossible had become possible! I had always told myself it would never happen, that I wasn’t enough to receive a man’s attention and affection. I was 23 after all and had never been in a real relationship. After going on a handful of dates with this guy, I thought, “Now! Finally! I will have a boyfriend.”
Yet, as he was walking me home after taking me to dinner one night, he dumped me. Right by the trash cans outside my house. I had never felt like actual trash so strongly in my entire life. Waves of shame and pain and inadequacy washed over me like a tidal wave. Accusations about my beauty, my worth, and my dignity repeatedly punched me in the gut, stealing the air from my lungs: Did you really think you were good enough? Pretty enough? Smart enough? Did you really think anyone would choose you? Silly girl, you never have been nor will you ever be enough.
I lived under the weight of these accusations for months, picking myself apart, wondering what it was about me that wasn’t good enough for him. Never once did I seriously consider that perhaps we just weren’t the right fit. Maybe he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Maybe there was nothing wrong with either of us, and maybe it just was not meant to be. But my wounds and insecurities festering beneath the surface were the skewed lens through which I saw everything. It had to be a problem with me.
It wasn’t until I began to let Jesus into those wounds and broken places that I began to heal. That I began to pick up the broken shattered pieces of myself and let Jesus slowly fit them back together to make me whole. It was only then that I could see myself though his eyes, not through the eyes of rejection and shame.
Because of original sin, we have a natural propensity to doubt our innate value, our goodness. And most importantly, God’s goodness. Any rejection has the power to collapse us in on ourselves, throwing us into the throes of self-obsession and self-deprecation. Self-rejection is deadly. It isn’t easy but we have to fight everyday to trust we are loved. That we are deeply known and seen by the Creator of the earth, the seas, and the sky. That we are the Beloved. More prayer, more therapy, more supportive, holy community-whatever it takes to start living more deeply into your true identity-start doing and seeking it today. The Lord has more for you than living a life of hating yourself. Of living in anything other than the truth: that you are the Beloved of Love himself.